I find the male/female dynamic to be very problematic. I think I must have had my head in a book when my high school offered the course that taught everyone how successfully interact with the opposite sex because I plunged head-long into college without a freaking clue. A few semesters in, okay about six semesters in, I finally pulled my head out of my studies and realized that there was a whole world around me of romantic interactions that I was completely oblivious to. Not liking to be behind in anything, I decided to try a hand at flirting and after a few disappointing months, I’ve realized something rather awful about myself: I have the romantic dexterity of a child, not just any child, a 10-year-old boy.
Like a good English student, having decided upon my thesis, I spent some good time soul-searching to find arguments and evidence to support my thesis. They are as follow:
1.) When a cute guy is nice to me, I react with violence.
I’ve never taken compliments well. When I was seven, I took a swing at a gentleman who told me I sang nicely. Seventeen year later, I still haven’t mastered the art of taking compliments and I really, really don’t take compliments from guys well. For example: When a guy tells me I’m sweet, I scream, “liar!” and list off reasons that prove, irrevocably (it took me three tries to spell that word right), that I am not sweet. When a guy tells me I’m pretty, I ball my fist and take a good hard swing at his shoulder. Afterwards, while he’s rubbing his arm, I scuff my foot on the floor and then say something intelligent like, “Aw shucks, that was sure nice of you.”
2.) My idea of a pick up line is to mutter something about football and then abruptly change the subject to literature.
I’m attracted to guys who like sports and I know nothing about football. Correction: I know nothing about what’s happening currently in football. Oh sure I know that there are large men in tight, shiny pants that hurtle their bodies at each other and I know that the 49ers were a big deal in the 80’s, but after that, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel for any tidbits I may have heard on my way to my bi-monthly Twilight bashing meeting. Literature, on the other hand, I know. Though I must say that guys who will engage in a conversation about the how well Psychoanalytic Theory works when applied to “Bartleby, the Scrivener,” generally creep me out.
3.) I think I’m smarter than 97% if the guys I meet.
I shouldn’t have to explain why this causes problems.
4.) My idea of flirting is as follows: “You think George Clooney was a better Batman than Adam West? Oh, you’re so dumb.” ::blink::blink::
I have watched many women my age successfully flirt; it’s really incredible. A guy could tell them that Avatar was the best movie of the century and they would smile, giggle and nod along like word vomit wasn’t being spewed all over them. AGGGGGHHHH! AVATAR WAS NOT THE BEST MOVIE OF THE CENTURY! ::deep breath:: When a guy tells me that, I whip up a solid 3 point rebuttal complete with visual aids proving that: 1.) Avatar is basically Dances With Wolves meets Pocahontas. 2.) Visual effects do not make up for it having the most predictable storyline ever. 3.) Just because something’s pretty, doesn’t make it good. (And then I pull out a copy of A Picture of Dorian Gray to illustrate my point).
And finally...
5.) I may still believe that guys have cooties. ;-)
